Monday, 18 February 2013
Sunday, 16 December 2012
These years have also brought a struggle with my own nature- trying to tame my inquisitive mind and my, apparently, too intense heart. I have tried to shape myself in a way that could comfortably fit in with people's habits, so that I could function better in society and connect to people with different views on life. This self inflicted experiment is now coming to an end, with rather mixed results. Working with people in various walks of life and of different ages has been a real eye-opener. My understanding of human nature and my perception of our weird little society has been vastly improved. I feel lucky to have met and also worked with many interesting people, each with their own merits.
On the other hand, I discover that conformity can only be mimed. Even if tried on for good reasons, it can only stick at the expense of one's self. There is only so much that we can change in ourselves and most of us just cannot have it all. You are either happy in a confined, repetitive life, or you need your freedom more than your comfort. For me this has been the fundamental question these last years, the thing that I needed to learn about myself. I knew everybody close to me would be happier if I was tamer, I knew I would be probably happier too. I yearned for the quiet stability, comforting routine and happy companionship that had seemed to elude me in life and I have worked to attain it. Then, when all that you have hoped for is within reach, something happens and you realize that everything is just too quiet, too sure, too confined. You wake up at night and you cannot breathe. You realize that you just don't want to look into the future and see your life already laid out in front of you, with all its inescapable glimmer of success. You finally see that you have been tenaciously building a beautiful lie, that you've been exquisitely good at it and that it makes everybody happy.
But you can hear the time getting closer when a window will burst open and you wait, quietly, for the temptation to fly through.